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Attention, baseball enthusiasts and romance practitioners: The minor-league Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp want you to know whether you’re going to be a father. Please regard the following internet dispatch … 

And the people say: Hell yes. By the way, the team’s promotional schedule confirms this particular gift to the people. 

As the St. Augustine Record notes, the promotion is being branded with the informal slogan, “suspense, intrigue and manila envelopes.” This invokes the afternoon talk show standby of revealing life-altering test results in the service of entertaining the People of the Sofa™. In any event, it would perhaps be more instructive to conduct the pregnancy tests at least a couple of days after the intake of discounted beer, but ours has never been a perfect world.